Adventures in ADHD - Installment 3

After 4 days of trying 10mg of the Metadate, we upgraded Styles to 20mg because the 10mg was doing nothing but causing him to have a difficult time getting to sleep at night. Yesterday was the first day of 20mg. Styles and I went to my Dr. office at 10:30 and had to wait for an hour before being called back into a room. He was still VERY talkative but did seem able to sit relatively still which was a nice reprieve from his constant fidgeting. I found a good book and a few "Family Fun" magazines for him to read and his mouth stopped moving, (no big deal as he loves to read). When we left, I took him to Chik-Fil-A as a reward for having been such a good boy during the very long doctor's appointment. He ate an entire chicken sandwich and his fruit. I was very proud of him!

When we got home from Chik-Fil-A, we turned the TV on so I could work. He talked to me quite a bit but he was using an "inside voice" that I hadn't heard in...um...ever. Even he noticed that he was being more quiet and told me that he must have found his "inside voice" at the doctor's office. It was a GREAT change from his incessant yell-talking. He seemed less fidgety but it is so difficult to tell at home because he is easily captivated by the television, a book and his DS. He did sit down for a couple of hours and worked on excavating a dinosaur skeleton out of a kit that he got. He was very excited to get the bones out but became VERY upset when the bones would not stay together when they came out. We dealt with tears for about 10 minutes until Kyle got home and luckily, his presence seemed to make things all better.

We sat down for dinner and Styles ate THREE tacos (I could only eat two). He didn't have a snack yesterday between lunch and dinner but I was glad that the medicine didn't seem to hurt his appetite. Around dinner time, his yell-talking seemed to come back but again, it could have been because of the return of the father figure and his excitement to see him. But maybe it was the medicine.

When Styles went to bed, he came out once to tell us to turn the TV down. The night before, Kyle confided in me that he used to have a really hard time going to bed too because after the medicine wore off, the energy that it squelched during the day was released. He said that when he was young he used to count to 47 and then turn over, then count to 47 again and turn over and count to 47 again and turn over, until he fell asleep. Kyle went to tuck Styles back into bed and Styles confided in him that this week, instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, he has been counting fish. My eyes nearly flooded when he came out and told me this. I hate that we are having to trade one problem for another but on the other hand, which is the lesser of two evils? And I am so proud of my little man for already coming up with a coping mechanism for dealing with his inability to get to sleep quickly like "old times".

Today is day 2 of the 20mg of medicine and again, it will be difficult to tell whether or not it is doing anything because he will be going to his friend's house for the day.

Thank you for following up with us - the support certainly helps to make the journey easier.

Adventures in ADHD - Installment 2 - Side Effects: take I

Last night, we sent Styles to bed with kisses and a smack on the butt like we normally do then we turned on the TV for some adult entertainment in the form of "Anthony Bordain: No Reservations". About a half an hour later, Styles comes crawling out of his room complaining that he couldn't sleep and that the TV was keeping him up. This from the same child who has been sleeping through the night since 2 months old and could sleep through a fog horn. Wow. The side effects have begun. I turned to Kyle after we tucked him back in and said, "do we want to treat the ADHD or have our son back who can sleep through anything?" Of course we want to treat his ADHD but it was a shocker to have one side effect checked off of the list, day one.

Styles took another 10mg today and although I noticed a slight calming in his manner, it wasn't enough to make a stark difference and I could have been imagining things. It was, afterall, a very rainy and boring day indoors where Styles spent most of the day on his DS and reading.

Tonight he is with his Grandma J and Grandpa Steve and they are on the look out for side effects. Luckily, they've been through this before with Kyle and they know what to look for and what to expect. Styles will get another 10mg tomorrow and if there is still little to no difference, he will be increased to 20mg on Tuesday. I hope that his lighter sleep is the only side effect that we have with him. Or better yet, that if this drug doesn't work, the next one will.

On a lighter note, Kyle and I both woke up at 4am last night (this morning), to some knocking around in our room. We both sat up at the same time and looked at one another. I sent him out into the hallway to check for the source while I stayed in the room. I suddenly saw our little hamster, Cabbage, scurring under our shoe rack. I yelled at him to get back in the room and catch the little devil. She would NOT be cornered back into her ball so I crawled out of bed and caught her in a towel then returned her to her jail. About 10 minutes later, we heard another scurrying noise and knew that she had gotten out again. So we went back into the living room and sure enough, found her running around the living room. We tried to move her cage and it fell apart so we put it back together (the right way this time), and placed the hamster back in her little home. Upon awaking this morning, Cabbage was still in her cage (now that it has been put back together properly). We did, however; discover red fuzz from our rug inside her loft apartment. Apparently the little monkey was running in and out of her cage getting fuzz to make herself a nest before she ventured all the way back to our bedroom.

Through all of this, Styles slept soundly and there was quite a bit of loud talking going on during the chase. So perhaps the side effect isn't as bad as we had initially thought...

Adventures in ADHD - Installment 1

NOTE: I hope to write many more posts like this one as we begin our adventure to getting Styles stabilized. I need a forum to share my frustrations, our successes, and what life has been like living with a child who has untreated ADHD.

Styles came into this world on August 18, 2001 as an 8lb, 13oz, healthy little boy. He had great AGPARs (10 and 9), could hold his head up the day that he was born (no exaggeration - I lived on peanut butter the last 3 months of my pregnancy and the doctor attributed his strength to my overdose on protein), and was all around an easy child. Except for nursing. From the get-go, I had to nurse in a completely quiet, dim room. There couldn't be anyone in the room, the TV could not be on, and I couldn't even talk to him. As soon as another stimulant entered our presence, Styles would unlatch and look for the source of the sound. This completely eliminated any hope of nursing in public or even in the company of others. I couldn't talk to him or coo at him or tell him how much I loved him while he was nursing. I endured for 9 months, when he finally went on a nursing strike because he just didn't have the time to work for his food anymore. He wanted it easy and NOW so that he could get back to playing and learning to walk (which happened when he was 10 months old - AAAHHHHHH!!!!). The nursing strike lasted for 2 weeks and I finally gave up after he lost .5 lbs. We switched to formula with a fast flow nipple so that Styles could eat and get on with his life. I attributed his behavior to being an inquisitive child. One that would learn quickly because of his desire to know all that he could about the world and its contents.

At 2 months old, Styles was taking one nap per day which was incredibly exhausting for me. Trying to entertain a 2 month old for the entire day minus his one hour nap (again, no exaggeration), was impossible. Hey, at least he was sleeping through the night. REALLY well through the night. Once he fell asleep, he was completely OUT. Almost like a ragdoll. An airhorn could be blown in the same room as he was in and he wouldn't even twitch. His sleeping was so deep that it frightened me sometimes. Then I learned to accept that that's just how he was and how he slept at night.

He has never been attached to any one thing, other than matchbox cars, I guess because of their speed. Nothing held his attention, even for a limited time when he was a tot. But again, I attributed it to his energy and desire to learn. I know, and am completely realistic about the fact that toddlers have very short attention spans and are super busy but there was something a little different about Styles. He had boundless energy. I used to call him my Energizer Bunny. He would go and go and go and go and go and go and go and then CRASH. He would play and entertain himself and rarely got into things that he wasn't supposed to. Styles was special in a way that went beyond motherly pride. He was wise. I never had a problem with him putting things in his mouth that he wasn't supposed to. I never had to worry about him playing with things that weren't his or with him sticking his fingers in electrical sockets. He found it easy to be in the presence of adults and always loved to be the center of attention. He was geniunely interested in the innerworkings of everything. When he learned to talk, his vocabulary expanded so fast that I couldn't believe it. And he hasn't stopped talking since.

With his excessive talking, has come some VERY irrational anxiety problems. Styles loves to please and when he thinks that he is not doing a good job pleasing someone, he breaks down into tears and talks about what a bad boy he is. Disciplining his decision making has proven very difficult. He takes everything very personally and offers to give himself some very harsh punishments. He worries about everything and everyone we meet. There have been countless times, after seeing a homeless person, that he begins inquiring about that person's life story. How they became homeless, where they sleep at night, where they get food, and whether or not we can help them. He worries about the weather; hurricanes, tornadoes and floods. Often when it rains, he asks if we are going to die in a flood. He won't let me out of his sight if it is thundering and lightening - not because he is scared but because he doesn't want me to get struck by lightening and die. His worried "what-ifs" are things that people with OCD usually deal with and it is horribly, emotionally exhausting for both of us.

Styles is a great conversationalist topic-wise but has a problem with his mouth being able to keep up with his brain. His brain gets so far ahead of his his mouth that he skips words completely and hasn't even begun to finish a topic before he is on to another subject. He talks faster than any Valley Girl I've ever met but can never seem to get his point across. His excitement when speaking is astounding and makes it very difficult to follow a conversation with him.

He sleeps like a LOG. If you ask him if he is tired, he ALWAYS answers, "NO!" and I believe him. He doesn't stop moving or talking all day long. He really is like a high-voltage battery who cannot find an outlet for his energy. He goes and goes and goes and goes so hard EVERY single day that when he lays down to go to bed, he crashes and no amount of noise or even shaking him gets him to wake up. I used to joke that you could drop him and he wouldn't wake up - it's the truth. I don't really joke about it much anymore because it's become rather frightening. Styles runs himself absolutely into the ground all day long that by the time he goes to bed, he becomes nearly comatose. Again, no exaggeration.

My philosophy on ADHD, since I was in High School and learned about it, has been that these were kids who needed a good spanking. These kids with "ADHD" had parents who overindulged them, used the TV as a babysitter, and let their kids spend way too much time in front of video games. They had no structure in their lives, they didn't discipline at all, they did not set boundaries, and they essentially let their kids run their lives. I also thought that these kids probably ate WAY too much sugar and that their parents let them have caffeine for breakfast, lunch, tea-time and dinner. I thought that they probably needed more fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, and whole foods in their diets. I just KNEW that they needed to lay off the sugar, dyes, and processed foods. THOSE were my explainations for ADHD. My thoughts were that if they would stop giving into their kids and give them a good spanking or two and feed them appropriately, they would straighten out and the kids would be fine. I slowly began to let go of that philosophy about 3 years ago when Styles started Kindergarten. I am a disciplinarian. I have spanked, used time outs, routines and redirecting. Styles has good manners and is all-in-all well behaved. We ate a VERY low carbohydrate diet full of vegetables and whole grains. Breakfast for Styles was 2 strips of bacon, an egg and a piece of 100% whole wheat toast. We didn't eat packaged foods and his sugar came in the form of fruits and plain yogurt with honey. These things didn't matter in contributing to his behavior. He was super talkative during school and just couldn't seem to keep his mouth closed. His teachers said that he was up and down out of his seat more than the average child. He wouldn't (couldn't) focus on what was being taught in the classroom. The problem continued into first grade, where he couldn't seem to stay in his seat. His teacher joked about getting super glue for his chair. Then this last year, his teacher finally came to me and expressed a concern for Styles. She told me how incredibly smart he is and that she wanted him tested for gifted but she also felt like he had a bit of a problem. Not a behavior problem but a "battery and focus problem" - her words. She said that he was SO difficult to discipline because he was SO endearing but that he was very, very disruptive. Styles does not have the anger that all-too-often accompanies ADHD. Instead, he suffers with anxiety and being able to please people. He is so excited about life and wants to share with everyone he meets. He did not disrupt in an angry or selfish way, he just wanted to share the thoughts that were running, constantly through his head. The thoughts that he could not turn off. She recommended that we have him evaluated for ADD/ADHD. I all too quickly agreed. Homework had become a very difficult task. It always, ALWAYS, ended in tears and frustration on both sides. Styles insisted that he "couldn't help it" and that he was unable to just focus on the tasks at hand. He often made very carless mistakes on things that he knew inside and out. He would just NOT pay attention. Yelling didn't help, spanking didn't help, time out didn't help and making him sit there for HOURS certainly didn't help. I was at my wits end. After filling out form upon form releasing them to study him, he was evaluated. I received the evaluation shortly after school let out for the summer.

The evaluation was heartbreaking but all I could do was laugh because I could picture my sweet boy doing these things. It said that his teachers concerns were, "That he seems to have great difficulty with focus, organizational skills, and task completion. He appears fidgety and talks excessively. His written work is very messy." The observation included observing Styles for one minute during a lesson, then observing another classmate of the same gender for one minute during a lesson, for 20 minutes. His Observation evaluation looked like this:

Styles: Relevant work-time: 46% Unproductive time: 52% Disruptive: 2%

Classmates: Relevant work-time: 92% Unproductive Time: 8% Disruptive: 0%

"Styles unproductive (off task) behaviors included digging in his desk looking for materials, sitting idly, and rolling his pencil across his paper. At times, he appeared to look at his worksheets, flipping through the pages, however, he did not actually appear to be readng the items or answering the questions. Systematic observation in the classroom indicates that Styles' attention and behavior were SUBSTANTIALLY different from that of the same gender classmates during this observation" As you can see from the percentages above, ALL kids have some unproductive time while doing work. But Styles was spending a lot more time than the average kid being unproductive; his excuse? "I just have all these other thoughts in my head and they won't go away and I just CAN'T HELP IT." To which I usually replied, "But Styles, you CAN HELP IT!" I was always frustrated with him. I couldn't understand how he COULDN'T HELP IT. I just didn't get it. I've tried and tried to teach him self control but no lesson seemed to work.

As soon as Styles got back from his summer vacation, I scheduled an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She was SO sweet and observed Styles for an hour. After an hour's worth of observation, she said that Styles definitely has ADHD. I nodded, not too surprised with her diagnosis.

"But what does it all meeeeaaan, Bazzle?" She asked me if I knew much about ADHD and I told her about my skewed philosophy on ADHD - the discipline, the diet, etc... She politely smiled at me and told me that lots of people think that way. And that lots of people, even well meaning nutritionists are wrong. Our Psychiatrist is a D.O. She is schooled in natural healing and preventative medicine. She told me that sugar IS bad for kids with ADHD and that eating a balanced diet is something that everyone should do anyways, so out with refined foods and sugars for us again, which is absolutely fine with me - convincing Kyle will be a different story. But Dr. Chyu also explained to me what ADHD is, medically. Styles does not produce enough of a certain hormone in his brain. This hormone controls his activity and his ability to focus on things. It allows his brain to essentially run wild which is why he constantly has thoughts running through his brain. If he doesn't voice them immediately, they become forever lost in his abyss of thoughts. She said that people who do not treat ADHD with drugs have a much higher incidence of childhood violence, suicide, sexual activity at an early age, car accidents, and general trouble with the law. She said that there is a MUCH higher incidence of these people self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and many other addictions that "calm the thoughts". She said that you never grow out of ADD/ADHD but that as you grow you can learn coping tools to deal with your disorder and that SOME people, as they approach adulthood, can come off of the drugs as they learn those tools. But SOME people cannot ever come off of the drugs, because no amount of supplement, diet, or coping tools will fully help certain people. It convinced me, because of her broad spectrum of knowledge, to allow Styles to be put on a stimulant drug to help control his impulsive behavior.

Dr. Chyu explained to Styles that he does not need to tell people that he has ADHD and that he takes drugs but that he shouldn't be ashamed of it. She said that there were other kids that he went to school with that took medicine for the same problem but that he probably didn't even know it because it helped them act more appropriately. She told him that these drugs were very important to him and that they would help him focus better in school. He said, "Yeah, because I have all of these thoughts and they won't go away and I can't think about anything but these thoughts so I can't do my work at school." She very enthusiastically said, "Yes, exactly! And you can't control it!" He looked at me like he had just received a new car and then looked back at her and nodded his head and said, "I was just getting ready to say that! I can't control it and nobody believes me!" I almost burst into tears because for the past several years I have been SO mean to him. I haven't believed that he lacked self control in these areas and no amount of my changing his diet, or disciplining him had EVER helped enough to make a true difference. I was so excited to get his new prescription filled and to get him on the road to normalcy. I really hope that we are able to find a medicine that will help him focus on school and to do his work effectively. It really does break my heart that I have been so hard on him for something that he genuinely cannot control.

Today was day one of his new medication. I almost passed out when they told me how much it was going to be - $102/month...with insurance. But I didn't care when I bought it. I just wanted the key to unlocking the Styles that I KNOW is in there. The SUPER smart Styles who can do his work effortlessly, who can listen when we talk to him, and who can slow his mind down enough to let his mouth catch up when talking. I don't want to over-medicate him, and neither does his doctor. We want to find the most mild drug possible to make Styles able to operate at his fullest potential. I can't tell a huge difference today but he has 2 friends over. He is still very loud and talkative, although his speech does seem a little more controlled today. It might take a couple of days to see a difference and I was instructed to increase his dose to 20mg after 3 days if I didn't see a substantial difference. I explained to him that he has to start eating better again, no more sugary cereal in the morning, and whole grain and sugar-free everything. He was okay with that and understands that it is for his own good. He REALLY does want to be "normal".

I know I have so much more to write on this topic. I think that it is amazing how much my opinions have changed on ADHD in the last year alone. I also think that it is amazing at how strong people's opinions are on the topic (including my own prior to this), when they have never in their lives lived with a child with this disorder. It is heartbreaking and frustrating and well beyond the normal adolescent energy. Living with a child with ADHD is very difficult and nobody will EVER know what it is like until they experience it first hand. I am not sad that I am living with this. I hope that it will become yet another building block for my own character. I hope that in the future I can help other kids and parents who are struggling with ADHD. And I hope that somehow I can touch someone through our story and that we can save a life from self-medicating in an inappropriate way and convince them that there IS a real, safe solution. I look forward to this journey and finding something that works for us. And I promise, there will be more to follow.

Ugly Apples

I'll never forget this particular Berenstain Bears book where there was an illustration of an apple that was absolutely hideous. It was definitely not the apple that you would choose while browing the produce at the grocery store. Then there was a perfectly shaped apple, bright red and shining. Of course it was the apple that the cubs chose when offered the two apples. But once cut open, the perfectly shaped apple was wormy and rotten. The ugly apple, however; was perfectly ripe and ready for eating. I think of this illustration every single time I go to the grocery store to pick out apples. I also think of this illustration when I judge people based on appearance. I need to think of this illustration more in that situation but I also need to think of it more when I constantly judge myself based on my weight, my body shape, my bad hair days, my skin, my boring grey eyes, my fat knees...OH I could go on and on.

I don't remember the exact lesson from the book but I do remember that the illustration touched me on so deeply a level when I was a young girl that I have always REALLY tried to remember that someone's appearance doesn't make or break them as a person. I haven't always been very good at it but I do try to find something good about a person when I find myself judging their appearance before getting to know them. Sometimes I even have to make things up like, "I'll bet they have the biggest heart and are the nicest person in the world". But saying these things makes me feel so much better about the first-impression judgements that I so easily cast.

But when it comes to myself, I can't seem to remember this illustration. I am constantly judging myself based on other people's looks, other people's body types, their glowing skin or perfect knees. I look in the mirror and are often disappointed in what I see there. I refuse to get a full-length mirror in my house because I'm pregnant and I feel like a walrus. As much as I want to have the baby, I dread the getting back into shape that MUST come after she is born. I know that I will do it because I can't stand myself this way. But even when I am at my thinnest, or most fit, I'm still a solid size 10. If I were tall enough, I'd be considered a "plus sized model". And even when I work out 2 hours per day and eat a perfectly balanced diet, my knees are still fat and my thighs still bulky. Muscular sure, but bulky - never lean. I'm 28 now. I should have reached a point in my life where I accept the way that I look, right? I have very wide-set hips and a muscular bubble butt. I know that my legs are never going to be long and lean - they're short, that's just the way that it is. I can't change the fact that I have a flat stomach, small boobs and a larger lower extremity. My husband loves my body but I just can't seem to embrace it.

I really need to reach a point in my life where I love my curves. I need to reach a point where I realize that I might be an imperfect apple on the outside but that I have some really great personality traits. I might have a bruise here and there but I'm a good listener. I LOVE being there for my friends whenever they need me. I am absolutely a servant and often sacrifice family or personal time to serve the people in my life who need help. I really enjoy doing nice things for people and don't expect the favor to be returned - a smile is payback enough.

I care too much about what other people think but I need to remind myself more often that the perfect apples do not necessarily have perfect pulp. Their perfectly shaped thighs and plasticized body parts do not make them better people. Their thin bodies with perfect basketball pregnant bellies are just them...not me. And that's okay. I wish I could find that book and distribute it to every person in the world. Would it change the way that we think as a culture? I doubt it would make much difference. But it would make me feel better.

Anticipation

I have been so anxious about the impending birth of my little one. There have been so many thoughts running through my mind and so many things that I'm worried about or that I constantly wonder about. As I was taking a shower today and feeling her move inside me, all 4.5 lbs of her, I realized that she will be expelled from my womb whenever the time is right. I love surprises but most surprises you don't know are coming. THIS surprise, however; I know is coming and the suspense of WHEN is really making me...well...anxious.

I remember going into labor with Styles like it was yesterday. I lost my plug while I was making myself dinner. It was nearly dark, around 8pm. About an hour later, I felt a strong surge in my belly and I knew that I was going into labor. I put some DMB on and drew a bath, per the recommendation of my doula. While doing those activities, I felt another few contractions. They seemed to come right on top of one another but they were about 2 minutes apart and lasted about 45 seconds each. I got into the hot bath and was able to stay there for a full 5 minutes before I started wretching and shaking uncontrollably. It was around 9:30 at that point. The contractions just wouldn't stop so I called my doctor around ten and he told me to get to the hospital immediately. Once at the hospital and after being "checked in", around eleven, I went from 4cm - 5 cm in one contraction; a transition that takes most women an hour. Styles was born at 6 minutes after midnight on August 18 after only 3 hours of labor. It was a painful journey, and one that I was not fully prepared for, but a quick trip and a trip that I took naturally. He didn't stay the night with me the first night, but in the nursery while I slept. When I recollect these memories, I want to cry. I love him so much now but I was terrified of him then. I really miss those precious middle of the night feedings with him and cuddling with his warm little body. He's so big now and I can't believe how quickly time has passed.

And yet now, I have those things to look forward to again with Madilyn. But her grande entrance into the world has me scared. When will she come? Will she be a leo or a virgo? I keep wondering how my labor will be. I hope that it's fast like my last labor, maybe even quicker. I hope I don't tear. I really hope that she comes naturally and without issue. I wonder if she will latch on to my breast immediately and nurse like a pro or if we will struggle. I wonder when she will sleep through the night. I wonder what color her eyes will be. I wonder if she will be calmed, outside the womb, by the sound of her brother reading to her. She listens intently to him now and she's not even here yet.

All of this anxiousness and yet... We don't have as much for her as I had for Styles and I'm not at all worried about it. I know that first time parents usually have TOO much and I've learned that less is more. I'm so excited to be using cloth diapers with her. I can't wait to change her first little diaper and I am SO glad that I don't have to endure another circumcision. I want to be able to kiss her sweet little lips and tickle her nose. I can't wait for late night feedings where I get to cuddle with her and watch her nurse. I can't wait to nurse her! I remember the pain of the first couple of weeks but there is nothing like knowing that you are doing for your little one what nobody else in the world can do for her. There is no bonding experience like nursing and I can't wait to experience that again. I loved waking up with Styles in the middle of the night. It was never a burden for me and it always made me feel so wonderful to wake up and provide for him. I look forward to that again.

I also keep thinking about what I was doing in the month before Styles was born. I remember nesting like crazy. I was cleaning baseboards, closet slats, I washed his clothes multiple times, just to touch something that belonged to him. I used to stand in his nursery and imagine what it would be like with him lying in there. I know Madilyn has another 6ish weeks so I have about 2 more weeks to really begin nesting in the same time frame that I nested with Styles. My birthday is on Thursday. Styles was born 3 weeks after my birthday, 8 years ago. And on his due date. I keep coming back to this...but when will Madilyn come? I can't believe we're already so close yet it feels so far away.

I wish I could put a finger on my thoughts and feelings about this. I wish I could narrow it down to one or two emotions but I just can't. Sometimes I don't even feel like it's real. I feel VERY pregnant but I still can't believe that I'm going to have a baby. A baby. With the man of my dreams. It's unreal.

Marriage is Major

It's been almost 2 months since Kyle and I got married and it has been a glorious two months (despite the bed rest). I thought I'd feel differently once we got married but I didn't. I don't. I think because our relationship was so amazing before we got married. We've been through so much and there has never been a doubt in my mind about our future together, so being married doesn't change the commitment that we already had to one another. It feels so good to be able to call him my husband. I am proud of him and so excited for where our lives are going. For the first time in my life, I feel secure and truly loved.

I am in a relationship that makes me smile every day. Sure we have squabbles but we usually laugh afterwards, and we always talk and come to a conclusion. Our communication is phenomenal. We talk about nothing and everything and are able to sit in complete silence and just be; it feels like perfection. He is incredibly supportive and despite the fact that I am on bed rest and feel like a walrus, he never fails to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and how he is a lucky man to have me. I think he is crazy but they say love is blind :) I can't find a single thing wrong with him. Even his quirks are perfect to me because they are what make up the very fiber of who he is - the man that I love. I feel, every day, the bubbly excited feeling of when we first started dating. Just the thought of him makes my heart jump up into my throat. I didn't know that after knowing eachother for 3.5 years and dating for over a year, I'd still feel this way. I miss him when he's at school and work and I always look forward to his homecoming. I wake up in the morning to make him breakfast and to spend time with him before he leaves and it just feels natural and right and I LOVE doing it. It makes me so happy to make him happy and he doesn't fail to return the favor.

Kyle has stepped right into "Dad mode" and has all but adopted Styles as his own. We spend time as a family and he is a great role model. I am so excited for our daughter to be born. I already know that he is going to be an amazing dad to her and I can't wait for them to meet for the very first time.

I am excited for our future together and I hope that in the future, I make the time to blog about my feelings for him. I want it all down in writing because I feel these feelings constantly and I just want to tell the world.