Anticipation

I have been so anxious about the impending birth of my little one. There have been so many thoughts running through my mind and so many things that I'm worried about or that I constantly wonder about. As I was taking a shower today and feeling her move inside me, all 4.5 lbs of her, I realized that she will be expelled from my womb whenever the time is right. I love surprises but most surprises you don't know are coming. THIS surprise, however; I know is coming and the suspense of WHEN is really making me...well...anxious.

I remember going into labor with Styles like it was yesterday. I lost my plug while I was making myself dinner. It was nearly dark, around 8pm. About an hour later, I felt a strong surge in my belly and I knew that I was going into labor. I put some DMB on and drew a bath, per the recommendation of my doula. While doing those activities, I felt another few contractions. They seemed to come right on top of one another but they were about 2 minutes apart and lasted about 45 seconds each. I got into the hot bath and was able to stay there for a full 5 minutes before I started wretching and shaking uncontrollably. It was around 9:30 at that point. The contractions just wouldn't stop so I called my doctor around ten and he told me to get to the hospital immediately. Once at the hospital and after being "checked in", around eleven, I went from 4cm - 5 cm in one contraction; a transition that takes most women an hour. Styles was born at 6 minutes after midnight on August 18 after only 3 hours of labor. It was a painful journey, and one that I was not fully prepared for, but a quick trip and a trip that I took naturally. He didn't stay the night with me the first night, but in the nursery while I slept. When I recollect these memories, I want to cry. I love him so much now but I was terrified of him then. I really miss those precious middle of the night feedings with him and cuddling with his warm little body. He's so big now and I can't believe how quickly time has passed.

And yet now, I have those things to look forward to again with Madilyn. But her grande entrance into the world has me scared. When will she come? Will she be a leo or a virgo? I keep wondering how my labor will be. I hope that it's fast like my last labor, maybe even quicker. I hope I don't tear. I really hope that she comes naturally and without issue. I wonder if she will latch on to my breast immediately and nurse like a pro or if we will struggle. I wonder when she will sleep through the night. I wonder what color her eyes will be. I wonder if she will be calmed, outside the womb, by the sound of her brother reading to her. She listens intently to him now and she's not even here yet.

All of this anxiousness and yet... We don't have as much for her as I had for Styles and I'm not at all worried about it. I know that first time parents usually have TOO much and I've learned that less is more. I'm so excited to be using cloth diapers with her. I can't wait to change her first little diaper and I am SO glad that I don't have to endure another circumcision. I want to be able to kiss her sweet little lips and tickle her nose. I can't wait for late night feedings where I get to cuddle with her and watch her nurse. I can't wait to nurse her! I remember the pain of the first couple of weeks but there is nothing like knowing that you are doing for your little one what nobody else in the world can do for her. There is no bonding experience like nursing and I can't wait to experience that again. I loved waking up with Styles in the middle of the night. It was never a burden for me and it always made me feel so wonderful to wake up and provide for him. I look forward to that again.

I also keep thinking about what I was doing in the month before Styles was born. I remember nesting like crazy. I was cleaning baseboards, closet slats, I washed his clothes multiple times, just to touch something that belonged to him. I used to stand in his nursery and imagine what it would be like with him lying in there. I know Madilyn has another 6ish weeks so I have about 2 more weeks to really begin nesting in the same time frame that I nested with Styles. My birthday is on Thursday. Styles was born 3 weeks after my birthday, 8 years ago. And on his due date. I keep coming back to this...but when will Madilyn come? I can't believe we're already so close yet it feels so far away.

I wish I could put a finger on my thoughts and feelings about this. I wish I could narrow it down to one or two emotions but I just can't. Sometimes I don't even feel like it's real. I feel VERY pregnant but I still can't believe that I'm going to have a baby. A baby. With the man of my dreams. It's unreal.