Ugly Apples

I'll never forget this particular Berenstain Bears book where there was an illustration of an apple that was absolutely hideous. It was definitely not the apple that you would choose while browing the produce at the grocery store. Then there was a perfectly shaped apple, bright red and shining. Of course it was the apple that the cubs chose when offered the two apples. But once cut open, the perfectly shaped apple was wormy and rotten. The ugly apple, however; was perfectly ripe and ready for eating. I think of this illustration every single time I go to the grocery store to pick out apples. I also think of this illustration when I judge people based on appearance. I need to think of this illustration more in that situation but I also need to think of it more when I constantly judge myself based on my weight, my body shape, my bad hair days, my skin, my boring grey eyes, my fat knees...OH I could go on and on.

I don't remember the exact lesson from the book but I do remember that the illustration touched me on so deeply a level when I was a young girl that I have always REALLY tried to remember that someone's appearance doesn't make or break them as a person. I haven't always been very good at it but I do try to find something good about a person when I find myself judging their appearance before getting to know them. Sometimes I even have to make things up like, "I'll bet they have the biggest heart and are the nicest person in the world". But saying these things makes me feel so much better about the first-impression judgements that I so easily cast.

But when it comes to myself, I can't seem to remember this illustration. I am constantly judging myself based on other people's looks, other people's body types, their glowing skin or perfect knees. I look in the mirror and are often disappointed in what I see there. I refuse to get a full-length mirror in my house because I'm pregnant and I feel like a walrus. As much as I want to have the baby, I dread the getting back into shape that MUST come after she is born. I know that I will do it because I can't stand myself this way. But even when I am at my thinnest, or most fit, I'm still a solid size 10. If I were tall enough, I'd be considered a "plus sized model". And even when I work out 2 hours per day and eat a perfectly balanced diet, my knees are still fat and my thighs still bulky. Muscular sure, but bulky - never lean. I'm 28 now. I should have reached a point in my life where I accept the way that I look, right? I have very wide-set hips and a muscular bubble butt. I know that my legs are never going to be long and lean - they're short, that's just the way that it is. I can't change the fact that I have a flat stomach, small boobs and a larger lower extremity. My husband loves my body but I just can't seem to embrace it.

I really need to reach a point in my life where I love my curves. I need to reach a point where I realize that I might be an imperfect apple on the outside but that I have some really great personality traits. I might have a bruise here and there but I'm a good listener. I LOVE being there for my friends whenever they need me. I am absolutely a servant and often sacrifice family or personal time to serve the people in my life who need help. I really enjoy doing nice things for people and don't expect the favor to be returned - a smile is payback enough.

I care too much about what other people think but I need to remind myself more often that the perfect apples do not necessarily have perfect pulp. Their perfectly shaped thighs and plasticized body parts do not make them better people. Their thin bodies with perfect basketball pregnant bellies are just them...not me. And that's okay. I wish I could find that book and distribute it to every person in the world. Would it change the way that we think as a culture? I doubt it would make much difference. But it would make me feel better.